Do you know the sentence? Do you ever call it that? If something goes wrong, it also comes to my mind. That I’m a bad mom, a bad partner, anything else. This is far from being related to children. It relates to the relationships of all, but in particular, it relates to the relationship to itself. It’ll attack me. But in the few years that I have been trying to work actively with internal topics, I have a little bit of a guess what to do with it. So let’s see how it is and what to do with it.
We grew up in an environment of stickers and rewards. Good girl, bad girl, naughty boy, etc. If you behave in the way you want, you’ll get a reward, if not, you’ll get punishment.
(This article is not supposed to be an attack on my parents. They did the best they could. On the contrary, I think they did a lot of things well. They grew up in their environment and their parents in theirs. I am trying to say that the whole environment, the company has made it to this level, and we are all trying to swim as much as we can.)
Since childhood learned these patterns and stickers, we are used to giving them ourselves. Duly praise, reward, but unfortunately also punish. This is a “gramophone” that is triggered in a great many life situations. Just try to observe and find this “gramophone” with you in the context of further reading. Indeed, by simply discovering it, something can happen.
That example. And for the sake of simplicity, I will write it on myself again, how would I translate it, solve it. Let’s say that I can’t solve a situation satisfactorily. Whether working, personal or relationship. It’s true for everyone. I primarily write about relationships with children and so I will stick to this topic. If you think of another situation, non-child, but important, try to relate the whole text to it. My example for now is a quarrel with a child for a second child. They did something, and I respond disproportionately to it. My nerves are slamming, and it makes me sick. The child will probably not have to pay me anything and react with my own explosion.
Slow Motion Shot of Conflict
If we watched the whole situation in slow motion and perceived all her layers, it would look like this:
- I hear children argue and cry. I subconsciously perceive emotions that “squirt” from the quarrel.
- My own emotions quickly turn on quarrel emotions. There is rage that I have no peace, fear for myself, fear for children, helplessness, that I do not know what to do with it, and of course it can be even more.
- These emotions will quickly overwhelm everything we have reassembled in the past. From what I have seen so far and around, emotions always have priority over reason. Except for a few abnormally rational individuals, I think emotions always win.
- So Racio is turned off at that moment, and the defensive reactions start. Depending on which emotion was the most prominent, the defensive response accordingly. In the case of parental conflicts with children, a defensive “escape” reaction is rarely triggered. J I would rather guess that an “attack” will start. So it is so with me.
- I fly into a quarrel with this defensive reaction with the motive to defend the one I think is being hurt. I’m just defending the child that I think deserves defense. And I defend him with all the power of all his awakened emotions.
- Emotions that fly from me can cause me to hurt someone involved.
- Result? Everyone is crying. Children and maybe even me.
- I don’t even consider this a bit of a mastered situation. In the spirit of previous education, I may have a tendency to punish myself properly, that is to say, to “cheat”. To blame yourself telling me what a terrible mom I am.
Do you know that? Did I get around with the slow-moving movie that would happen to each of us from time to time?
If you say you are a bad mom (or maybe a dad), just a bad parent, I have a clear statement. NEJSTE. YOU ARE NOT DECISIONLY.
Because if you read this article, you think about it at least. And that is the first step to change something.
It is important to note the following points that led to the conflict
- The emotions that cause me to conflict are purely my own. My rage, “gramophone”, harm that is otherwise too nicely and skillfully hidden deep inside. Children have nothing to do with them and they usually do not know about them.
- The child lives with their emotions. Tame explosion is incomparably heavier for him than for an adult. His blast now is just a blast now. In an hour, everything could be different, just like it was an hour ago. Wanting to be able to react rationally is a roughly double task that we can’t do ourselves.
- Everything I went into is just my assumptions, nothing else. Even who you need to defend. Nothing, what was happening there, I know nothing, I deduced everything. And that’s a mistake.
Little instructions on what to do | to get the conflict better
If this happens, point 8 is definitely not meaningful. It is pointless to pill and blame it. Each of us does the best he can do at any moment. I’m not doing it and I’m 8 point better.
But it does not mean that I shut the door behind point 7, I close everything deep down and I don’t want to know about it. That’s it.
Point 8 needs to be replaced by a new point 8. Only when emotions calm down and can I think rationally, is it necessary to devote time to it and return to the whole situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the bath or when I go to work the next day and watch the train window. You just need to find time and look at the whole situation again. Step by step, what happened there. What was the cause of the children’s conflict, trying to realize what it caused in me. What a condition I was in that my reaction was what it was. And what I actually did. If it is needed and it goes, I still come back with the children. But most of them don’t need it. Because I still know what was going on, I just couldn’t handle my own emotions.
If I want to try to handle the situation better next time, I know exactly where it has to come. Which point I have to change. The change is between steps 1 and 2. Next time I can make point 2 (that is, turning on my own emotions) in this scenario, then the entire conflict suddenly ceases to be a conflict.